I am grateful and phew!!! some days I sense I am being taken down. I have felt elated and I have felt stamped out…devoid of any knowing of who I am.
Well, that’s the work, right?…isn’t that the prayer of so many seekers? of so many traditions…to shed all the manufactured skins we have cloaked ourselves in, in order to fit in or even survive, in the hope of finding out something of who we really are? Of what is real and unreal?
One day last week while wrestling with the demons of the empty space of my life…the missing of loving mirrors of who I am…of arms to hold me, I sent myself to my wee “blow-sand” garden that somehow, miraculously turns into a jungle of nourishment every summer. I went to turn the compost…which has long been a tradition in moments of despair and confusion. I dug and dug…not unlike Ubuntu’s response to when he hears some silent sound underground. I was aware of my ego’s response to the fear that was welling up in me…the judgments of my inner assessor… she was going wild with urgent plans to fill this space in my life….”I MUST get a job…get working…that will help!!” or “I’ll make plans to do another road trip…that’ll show me a way through” or there must be something I could do that will be valuable, or or or. She was terrified…and there were plenty of moments when I was hard pressed to find my Adult Soother Self. But with time…and a lot of breath…I could see the play. It didn’t particularly make it alot easier in that moment…but I am trusting a much bigger scheme than this week or month, is at play.
Last night I dreamt an apocalyptic dream….a catastrophic event was happening…a great flaming something was falling from the sky and bound to impact Earth in a devastating way. What I was adamant about….dedicated to…the ONLY thing there WAS to do according to my dream self, was to plant the garden…to plant seeds. Over and over I was telling everyone that we MUST plant a garden so that we could feed ourselves.
This message strikes me personally in my dedication during this time to “becoming seed” but also on a very practical level. I wondered as I brushed my teeth and walked in the greening field with Ubuntu, am I simply to devote myself to growing food at this moment?
Or am I to be planting seeds on multitudes of levels now? Including continuing to plant myself in the dark soils of transformation?
Or both and all of it?
I love that Dream-Maker.